when i'm feeling sad...

the end.

2008-05-11T12:49:19+08:00

i don't deserve any of the happiness in the world.
i'm better off dead. i'm better off disappearing from the face of the earth, no?

all i do is hurt others and disappoint others
and i don't know how to stop doing that.

nobody understands because when shit happens and i can't explain it, they have explanations for it.
i don't
and what they say, sometimes it makes sense, sometimes it does not
but i don't have any explanations of my own
because those aren't my explanations.
and i just feel inadequate and stupid and hopeless and stupid and unworthy of love or anything good.
because i am not.

fuckedup.

2008-05-10T23:12:07+08:00

i haven't done my favourite things in a while. though stressed i am, i cannot pinpoint the exact source. i know i've been more edgy than ever since the abortion, and because i suppressed the sadness and the stressed to a point where i try not to even think about it and pretend everything didn't happen. perhaps it's a bad choice to do that, because when stress kicks in, the emotional surge gets too much for my threshold and i just flare or snap or just get pissed. i am sorry because you are always the one around me when shit happens. and i am sorry for thinking that you would understand hints and whatnots. i have to remind myself that i am not talking to another girl, perhaps we are so used to talking to people of our own gender.
you say you feel like i don't love you. you know that set me thinking. it got me thinking because you probably said that because i snap at your too many times and you always make peace with me, instead of me doing it. i do not know why, perhaps it's the ego. sigh. so i am sorry. i need to work at it but i have no idea where to start. because i always get this feeling that if i say sorry when you're angry and shouting, i just probably get slapped or kicked or you'd say 'all you say is sorry but it happens again'. which does, actually, so i don't blame you. at all.
it's me that needs tweaking.
but i love you a lot, and perhaps that is one reason why i tend to snap at you most because you're closest to me. is it too lame an excuse? but to me it makes sense.

i just so fucked up i think i don't deserve to be loved. or live.

i just make people's lives miserable. somehow including yours. and i never mean it.
because i love you a lot.

you deserve more.
not some fucked up girl like me, who can't control her emotions and gets angry at you for something so absurd.

sigh.

but i love you.

i am thinking what would make me stop being emotional and edgy and perhaps it will subside when i finally get over it. finally get a closure which perhaps i didn't. and do something to make up for what i've done.

but what?

sigh. i love you and i don't want to lose you.
i'm so sorry.

another day in paradise

2008-03-06T23:46:11+08:00

the physical pain acts like a reminder.
i don't know how i can 'try to not think about it' without the thought popping in my head every 10minutes or so.

i am feeling empty.
very empty. like i don't even know what my priorities are anymore.
she asked me today if i wanted to do lasik. and i told her - yeah but not now. cos i don't know what my priorities are. as far as i am concerned, it's to find time to get away from everything. be it with him. or alone.

and i am willing to go away alone. if he can't come due to any reason

i hate the fact that i tend to feel bad for everything that goes wrong. even if the bulk of the fault isn't mine. i would see it from their point of view, and maybe i am wrong. maybe it is my fault. maybe they were right, maybe i miscalculated. maybe i was too strict/ too lenient. maybe he didn't mean it. maybe he just wants to have fun; who am i to say he can't have fun. maybe i am taking things too seriously, being too uptight.

there are times when i just feel like shutting off from everything.
but it'd be unfair to those who truly care.
there are times when i just feel like running. even at this state.
i feel like tearing my room apart. and order new furniture.
i feel like painting.

i feel lost sometimes that i lose focus in what i am doing because half the time i think about all that has happened and i don't feel like i have the right to be all cheerful and happy again .

i doubt i'll ever be myself 100%

At a loss.

2008-01-01T02:46:15+08:00

Won't it be better to take my life away, sometimes I feel. So they would realize how stupid they have been? So that they'd know that I've been nothing but miserable. I really don't feel like talking about it. Makes me feel all my decisions I've made lately were fucked. Everything isn't good enough.
Not helping that he is not picking up the phone. Nor is he replying to my sms-es.

Thank you for everything. But I'm not sure how long I can take it.
So much for a happy new year.
Even when I tried explaining. Even when I tried to reason. Even when I told you that all you can do is control me because the elder one was a lost cause. And all you can do is blame him.

Oh thanks.
Stop blaming him. I feel horrible on both ends.
It's all my fault.

Perhaps at the end of it all, you're left with nothing but yourself.

just very random thoughts. a mix.

2007-12-27T01:16:34+08:00

i hope you don't get angry after reading this post.

I was just thinking. About how life works. And how the past kinda makes you the person you are now. Mostly in good ways, some in more subtle, not very good ways. Like how paranoid you can become, or how insecure you can feel because of how the past treated you. How wary you get of people now and how much you beat yourself over stupid things because you know you shouldn't feel that way because the past is the past but it somehow creeps up on ya and you find it very hard to kick it aside, though one day, definitely the past will remain in the past.

Am I making sense?

The past has made me realize that if a man cannot apologize to you in your face, means he has no fucking balls. The past and present have taught me that no two men are alike. Your present is never like your past. You'll always strive to better yourself. And I figured that people who ain't attractive tend to be so full of themselves if someone finds them attractive (like once in a few years) and that is just so sad. Like, are you so living in denial that you are not attractive (and i do not mean just good looks, i mean personality, and not so much of an ass, definitely) all this while? Oh please. Grow up. Nobody likes an immature fucknut.

Like come to think of it, for you to ask my friend to tell me that you're sorry just goes to show that you have no balls. like sigh. how pathetic. and i don't need you to say sorry. because you're so fucking sober when you ended and i am super happy now with baby. so i don't need to look back into the past and wonder if you're sorry.

anyway sometimes i hate the way i think. like how i expect my boyfriend to know that i want this and that. sometimes i tell myself that no, he doesn't know so i have to tell him, then another part of me says 'but it's so obvious wat! how can he not know?'
ah typical girl mindsets. DAMN.

and i hate to tell him what is wrong because half the time, or most of the time, it's just me messing around with my own head and feeling insecure. yeah i get insecure. i don't know why. perhaps i had that stripped off me when the unfortunate (which is fortunate in a way) thing happened in the past. i felt insecure because i don't know things. and everything is up to chance. up to fate. up to how life wanna treat you. sometimes you can plan all you want. you can decide that we are going to be together forever. but years down the road, shit happens. i hate it. i hate the fact that i can't control the future and i know nobody can. but i just hate it. i love to plan my own stuff and see it materializing. and i hate it and i absolutely hate it, when i can't. i know trust is very important and i trust you but there is always a little insecurity in me sometimes. and i need you to feed that insecurity. i don't know if it's too much to ask. i know i should do something about it but i don't know how to. i am never good at relationships because i don't have relationships every other month or so. i always give my best in r/s, because i always believe in it. but it hurts if the other party doesn't appreciate or lie. or just take me for granted.

i hate this once bitten twice shy shit.

but i don't want. because i want you. and i believe i shouldn't compare and i believe and i know you're different. and i trust you but yes there are days when i just feel a teeny weeny bit paranoid. i dunno why. i can't explain it. i am sorry. damn. but i love you.
and i think its very wrong for me to doubt your love or trust you any less because i don't.

ah baby. i miss you muchos
and i love you and thank you for everything that you are, and for loving me.
you really make me happy and i never meant to be angry at you but i love you a lot. a lot. a lot.
it's just my insecurities sometimes.

bored.

2007-11-29T10:52:53+08:00

Kinda just woke up.
I woke up at 3 to pee
I woke up at 6 to pee
I woke up at 8 to wake my brother up for work
I woke up at 10.15 to find out that i am all alone in the house!

everybody's out
work, school. school.

Bleah. I want to paint, need to go buy brushes.
i need to run, the sky looks gloomy
and i need a new notebook.

time to be a heartlander, and don't be lazy. and walk to Sunshine place to buy them.

Now, Bintan trip is almost settled I need to talk to him about it. He hasn't replied, perhaps he's sleeping. Poor baby, he's got a really bad mouth ulcer. Boo.

And the Bangkok trip. Initially quite worried because she pulled out last min, but at least I've paid for my flight ticket, so my bank account won't be so sad. Baby said I can join him & his friends cos they'll be there. as much as i would like to, i don't want to trouble them. boys what. they probably want to have their own fun. they probably want to stay out late, not shop (cos i want to shop), and all that. they probably want to eat? and just laze around. visit places i dunno. and with the presence of a girl, perhaps they may feel tt they cant go all out crazy in bkk. after all, beer's dirt cheap there ive heard.
so i proposed to baby that i just go on my own. i wanted my own holiday anyway. tho this is quite unexpected since bkk is a busy place HAHA. so yeah. we still meet on the 23-24th and all. but i really feel very bad to join you guys.

and i know you say it's going to be ok, they don't mind and all.
try convincing me.
i know i am degil kepala batu sometimes lah.
i know that bkk is dangerous if i am alone.

then maybe i no need go lah. or i try get someone to go with me or sth.
shrugs. i dunno! die. haha

baby i'm sorry.

2007-11-26T22:10:03+08:00

and when i'm feeling sad, i am supposed to think of my favourite things.

like....
big blue skies and pink coloured ponies

but today i disappointed myself. i didn't know what got over me, i couldn't really explain myself, and i felt really shitty.

i guess it's one of those off days.

and one of those days where your emotions go outta whack, and you just can't quite figure out why. and your tears go down streaming and you can't control it.

perhaps i am sick and tired of being me. i hate the fact that i try to accommodate everyone. perhaps i have the pre-assumption that i am always obligated to their wishes. perhaps that's how i've been brought up. you have to do this and this or else i won't be happy with you. and it got stuck to me. with parents it's easy, but with others, it's a totally shitty feeling.

maybe i over-reacted, the way i did. for snapping at you. i am sorry. really i am. i was just upset that you felt bad. because you should not. and how can my boyfriend feel bad when it's not his fault. i do get really irritated when people make my boyfriend feel bad. and maybe i shouldn't have snapped. sorry love. and i guess i just felt that i should accommodate because it really doesn't take much, but i felt like i am obligated to do so. i know i am not obligated to do such things. but it's in my nature to want to make things easier for others. that sometimes i ask myself why am i doing this? i make things easier for them, but they are not making things easier for me.

and baby, i am really sorry for doing what i did.
i felt really really shitty. and when i feel shitty, i really really feel shitty.
i am hard on myself. i expect myself to give my best and i felt really horrible when i hadn't.
and sometimes doing that shit helps. for a short while. sorry i wasn't thinking. i am sorry to make you cry. i am sorry for making you angry.

but thank you for loving me, for taking care and understanding. for bothering.
it's just overwhelming. you know? you understand too much, way more. and i am with you. and yes it's a fresh start. so i am sorry. again. i am still grasping the fact that your partner would care for you that much. baby, you have been wonderful, you have been an amazing person, not me. you are a superb boyfriend and even though sometimes you look like you're pissed (but that's cos it's in the morning and you are just not a morning person and i am getting used to that). you love me more than i could have ever dream of. and for that, i thank you.

i know i was silly.
i cried because i love you so much.
and i felt that i've somehow upset you
and that you don't deserve such shits from me.
and then i ask myself why are you with me? someone who is paranoid and think too much and perhaps mental sometimes.
and then i get so angry with myself
for upsetting you
cos i don't want us to ever part.
cos i love you so much.

i promise that i'll try my very best.
i am still working on the telling you what is wrong part.
sometimes it's embarrassing.
sigh.
but thank you baby.
for everything.

i promise that i'll stop doing things that will hurt me. that will hurt you.
i promise to not think about stupid things.
i promise to be happy.
because i am very very happy with you.
you make me so happy that sometimes i cry.
you're simply the best.
i love you so much.

what am i thinking?

2007-11-26T22:13:12+08:00

Last night was crap. I didn't know how to live now. I feel that it's unfair to him that I have issues with myself and when I get annoyed, I take it out on him. Baby, I didn't mean to. I'm sorry. I didn't want to eat much last night because I know I will puke. I hate eating at home, puking is so accessible. I want to break free from this, but I find it very impossible. Entirely mental, this thing. It's very reassuring to know from him that he's there for me, yet I do not want to burden him with my nonsensical problems that I had way before we got together.

I woke up this morning early and I was feeling starved. Because of last night's dinner episode. I grabbed a marshmellow covered with chocolate. and you know what happened after that? my throat felt weird. maybe it's the cokelight that spurred all the puking episodes sometimes. i threw up that marshmellow. i think it might get worse now. who throws up a marshmellow? it's not fucking fattening enough for my warped self to want to throw it up but yeah.
i don't quite know what is happening to me but i am definitely NOT going to eat much at home anymore.

but my run yesterday was fantastic. i ran 10 rounds. i sprinted two out of ten. it felt good. like really good.
now all i have to worry if i develop bigger muscles. crap.
why must i be this paranoid.

and honestly, i have no idea why he is with me sometimes, when he can perhaps have someone who is much less complicated and much less messed up than me.

i love you so much
that i feel that you deserve so much more
sigh
i'm so sorry love for being cranky for you for no apparent reason
i need to stop being transparent.
i need to start keeping things to myself maybe.

i don't know.
i suck at this.

leave me alone.

2007-11-24T23:59:45+08:00

And sometimes i just want to grab that blade and start slitting myself.
Because after a while, you wonder if it's actually worth it.
The stress, the annoyance at yourself for giving in to a weakness. i am not good enough. i never feel like i am good enough.

just leave me alone.

i can never be cured. i am doomed to live like this.
and i don't like it and i hate it when i am helpless and i can't do anything about it.

leave me alone.