when i'm feeling sad...

the physical pain acts like a reminder.
i don't know how i can 'try to not think about it' without the thought popping in my head every 10minutes or so.

i am feeling empty.
very empty. like i don't even know what my priorities are anymore.
she asked me today if i wanted to do lasik. and i told her - yeah but not now. cos i don't know what my priorities are. as far as i am concerned, it's to find time to get away from everything. be it with him. or alone.

and i am willing to go away alone. if he can't come due to any reason

i hate the fact that i tend to feel bad for everything that goes wrong. even if the bulk of the fault isn't mine. i would see it from their point of view, and maybe i am wrong. maybe it is my fault. maybe they were right, maybe i miscalculated. maybe i was too strict/ too lenient. maybe he didn't mean it. maybe he just wants to have fun; who am i to say he can't have fun. maybe i am taking things too seriously, being too uptight.


there are times when i just feel like shutting off from everything.
but it'd be unfair to those who truly care.
there are times when i just feel like running. even at this state.
i feel like tearing my room apart. and order new furniture.
i feel like painting.

i feel lost sometimes that i lose focus in what i am doing because half the time i think about all that has happened and i don't feel like i have the right to be all cheerful and happy again .

i doubt i'll ever be myself 100%