when i'm feeling sad...

i hope you don't get angry after reading this post.

I was just thinking. About how life works. And how the past kinda makes you the person you are now. Mostly in good ways, some in more subtle, not very good ways. Like how paranoid you can become, or how insecure you can feel because of how the past treated you. How wary you get of people now and how much you beat yourself over stupid things because you know you shouldn't feel that way because the past is the past but it somehow creeps up on ya and you find it very hard to kick it aside, though one day, definitely the past will remain in the past.

Am I making sense?

The past has made me realize that if a man cannot apologize to you in your face, means he has no fucking balls. The past and present have taught me that no two men are alike. Your present is never like your past. You'll always strive to better yourself. And I figured that people who ain't attractive tend to be so full of themselves if someone finds them attractive (like once in a few years) and that is just so sad. Like, are you so living in denial that you are not attractive (and i do not mean just good looks, i mean personality, and not so much of an ass, definitely) all this while? Oh please. Grow up. Nobody likes an immature fucknut.

Like come to think of it, for you to ask my friend to tell me that you're sorry just goes to show that you have no balls. like sigh. how pathetic. and i don't need you to say sorry. because you're so fucking sober when you ended and i am super happy now with baby. so i don't need to look back into the past and wonder if you're sorry.

anyway sometimes i hate the way i think. like how i expect my boyfriend to know that i want this and that. sometimes i tell myself that no, he doesn't know so i have to tell him, then another part of me says 'but it's so obvious wat! how can he not know?'
ah typical girl mindsets. DAMN.

and i hate to tell him what is wrong because half the time, or most of the time, it's just me messing around with my own head and feeling insecure. yeah i get insecure. i don't know why. perhaps i had that stripped off me when the unfortunate (which is fortunate in a way) thing happened in the past. i felt insecure because i don't know things. and everything is up to chance. up to fate. up to how life wanna treat you. sometimes you can plan all you want. you can decide that we are going to be together forever. but years down the road, shit happens. i hate it. i hate the fact that i can't control the future and i know nobody can. but i just hate it. i love to plan my own stuff and see it materializing. and i hate it and i absolutely hate it, when i can't. i know trust is very important and i trust you but there is always a little insecurity in me sometimes. and i need you to feed that insecurity. i don't know if it's too much to ask. i know i should do something about it but i don't know how to. i am never good at relationships because i don't have relationships every other month or so. i always give my best in r/s, because i always believe in it. but it hurts if the other party doesn't appreciate or lie. or just take me for granted.

i hate this once bitten twice shy shit.

but i don't want. because i want you. and i believe i shouldn't compare and i believe and i know you're different. and i trust you but yes there are days when i just feel a teeny weeny bit paranoid. i dunno why. i can't explain it. i am sorry. damn. but i love you.
and i think its very wrong for me to doubt your love or trust you any less because i don't.

ah baby. i miss you muchos
and i love you and thank you for everything that you are, and for loving me.
you really make me happy and i never meant to be angry at you but i love you a lot. a lot. a lot.
it's just my insecurities sometimes.