when i'm feeling sad...

Kinda just woke up.
I woke up at 3 to pee
I woke up at 6 to pee
I woke up at 8 to wake my brother up for work
I woke up at 10.15 to find out that i am all alone in the house!

everybody's out
work, school. school.

Bleah. I want to paint, need to go buy brushes.
i need to run, the sky looks gloomy
and i need a new notebook.

time to be a heartlander, and don't be lazy. and walk to Sunshine place to buy them.

Now, Bintan trip is almost settled I need to talk to him about it. He hasn't replied, perhaps he's sleeping. Poor baby, he's got a really bad mouth ulcer. Boo.

And the Bangkok trip. Initially quite worried because she pulled out last min, but at least I've paid for my flight ticket, so my bank account won't be so sad. Baby said I can join him & his friends cos they'll be there. as much as i would like to, i don't want to trouble them. boys what. they probably want to have their own fun. they probably want to stay out late, not shop (cos i want to shop), and all that. they probably want to eat? and just laze around. visit places i dunno. and with the presence of a girl, perhaps they may feel tt they cant go all out crazy in bkk. after all, beer's dirt cheap there ive heard.
so i proposed to baby that i just go on my own. i wanted my own holiday anyway. tho this is quite unexpected since bkk is a busy place HAHA. so yeah. we still meet on the 23-24th and all. but i really feel very bad to join you guys.

and i know you say it's going to be ok, they don't mind and all.
try convincing me.
i know i am degil kepala batu sometimes lah.
i know that bkk is dangerous if i am alone.

then maybe i no need go lah. or i try get someone to go with me or sth.
shrugs. i dunno! die. haha

and when i'm feeling sad, i am supposed to think of my favourite things.

like....
big blue skies and pink coloured ponies

but today i disappointed myself. i didn't know what got over me, i couldn't really explain myself, and i felt really shitty.

i guess it's one of those off days.

and one of those days where your emotions go outta whack, and you just can't quite figure out why. and your tears go down streaming and you can't control it.

perhaps i am sick and tired of being me. i hate the fact that i try to accommodate everyone. perhaps i have the pre-assumption that i am always obligated to their wishes. perhaps that's how i've been brought up. you have to do this and this or else i won't be happy with you. and it got stuck to me. with parents it's easy, but with others, it's a totally shitty feeling.

maybe i over-reacted, the way i did. for snapping at you. i am sorry. really i am. i was just upset that you felt bad. because you should not. and how can my boyfriend feel bad when it's not his fault. i do get really irritated when people make my boyfriend feel bad. and maybe i shouldn't have snapped. sorry love. and i guess i just felt that i should accommodate because it really doesn't take much, but i felt like i am obligated to do so. i know i am not obligated to do such things. but it's in my nature to want to make things easier for others. that sometimes i ask myself why am i doing this? i make things easier for them, but they are not making things easier for me.

and baby, i am really sorry for doing what i did.
i felt really really shitty. and when i feel shitty, i really really feel shitty.
i am hard on myself. i expect myself to give my best and i felt really horrible when i hadn't.
and sometimes doing that shit helps. for a short while. sorry i wasn't thinking. i am sorry to make you cry. i am sorry for making you angry.

but thank you for loving me, for taking care and understanding. for bothering.
it's just overwhelming. you know? you understand too much, way more. and i am with you. and yes it's a fresh start. so i am sorry. again. i am still grasping the fact that your partner would care for you that much. baby, you have been wonderful, you have been an amazing person, not me. you are a superb boyfriend and even though sometimes you look like you're pissed (but that's cos it's in the morning and you are just not a morning person and i am getting used to that). you love me more than i could have ever dream of. and for that, i thank you.

i know i was silly.
i cried because i love you so much.
and i felt that i've somehow upset you
and that you don't deserve such shits from me.
and then i ask myself why are you with me? someone who is paranoid and think too much and perhaps mental sometimes.
and then i get so angry with myself
for upsetting you
cos i don't want us to ever part.
cos i love you so much.

i promise that i'll try my very best.
i am still working on the telling you what is wrong part.
sometimes it's embarrassing.
sigh.
but thank you baby.
for everything.

i promise that i'll stop doing things that will hurt me. that will hurt you.
i promise to not think about stupid things.
i promise to be happy.
because i am very very happy with you.
you make me so happy that sometimes i cry.
you're simply the best.
i love you so much.

Last night was crap. I didn't know how to live now. I feel that it's unfair to him that I have issues with myself and when I get annoyed, I take it out on him. Baby, I didn't mean to. I'm sorry. I didn't want to eat much last night because I know I will puke. I hate eating at home, puking is so accessible. I want to break free from this, but I find it very impossible. Entirely mental, this thing. It's very reassuring to know from him that he's there for me, yet I do not want to burden him with my nonsensical problems that I had way before we got together.

I woke up this morning early and I was feeling starved. Because of last night's dinner episode. I grabbed a marshmellow covered with chocolate. and you know what happened after that? my throat felt weird. maybe it's the cokelight that spurred all the puking episodes sometimes. i threw up that marshmellow. i think it might get worse now. who throws up a marshmellow? it's not fucking fattening enough for my warped self to want to throw it up but yeah.
i don't quite know what is happening to me but i am definitely NOT going to eat much at home anymore.

but my run yesterday was fantastic. i ran 10 rounds. i sprinted two out of ten. it felt good. like really good.
now all i have to worry if i develop bigger muscles. crap.
why must i be this paranoid.

and honestly, i have no idea why he is with me sometimes, when he can perhaps have someone who is much less complicated and much less messed up than me.

i love you so much
that i feel that you deserve so much more
sigh
i'm so sorry love for being cranky for you for no apparent reason
i need to stop being transparent.
i need to start keeping things to myself maybe.

i don't know.
i suck at this.

And sometimes i just want to grab that blade and start slitting myself.
Because after a while, you wonder if it's actually worth it.
The stress, the annoyance at yourself for giving in to a weakness. i am not good enough. i never feel like i am good enough.

just leave me alone.

i can never be cured. i am doomed to live like this.
and i don't like it and i hate it when i am helpless and i can't do anything about it.

leave me alone.