when i'm feeling sad...

i don't deserve any of the happiness in the world.
i'm better off dead. i'm better off disappearing from the face of the earth, no?

all i do is hurt others and disappoint others
and i don't know how to stop doing that.

nobody understands because when shit happens and i can't explain it, they have explanations for it.
i don't
and what they say, sometimes it makes sense, sometimes it does not
but i don't have any explanations of my own
because those aren't my explanations.
and i just feel inadequate and stupid and hopeless and stupid and unworthy of love or anything good.
because i am not.

i haven't done my favourite things in a while. though stressed i am, i cannot pinpoint the exact source. i know i've been more edgy than ever since the abortion, and because i suppressed the sadness and the stressed to a point where i try not to even think about it and pretend everything didn't happen. perhaps it's a bad choice to do that, because when stress kicks in, the emotional surge gets too much for my threshold and i just flare or snap or just get pissed. i am sorry because you are always the one around me when shit happens. and i am sorry for thinking that you would understand hints and whatnots. i have to remind myself that i am not talking to another girl, perhaps we are so used to talking to people of our own gender.
you say you feel like i don't love you. you know that set me thinking. it got me thinking because you probably said that because i snap at your too many times and you always make peace with me, instead of me doing it. i do not know why, perhaps it's the ego. sigh. so i am sorry. i need to work at it but i have no idea where to start. because i always get this feeling that if i say sorry when you're angry and shouting, i just probably get slapped or kicked or you'd say 'all you say is sorry but it happens again'. which does, actually, so i don't blame you. at all.
it's me that needs tweaking.
but i love you a lot, and perhaps that is one reason why i tend to snap at you most because you're closest to me. is it too lame an excuse? but to me it makes sense.

i just so fucked up i think i don't deserve to be loved. or live.

i just make people's lives miserable. somehow including yours. and i never mean it.
because i love you a lot.

you deserve more.
not some fucked up girl like me, who can't control her emotions and gets angry at you for something so absurd.

sigh.

but i love you.

i am thinking what would make me stop being emotional and edgy and perhaps it will subside when i finally get over it. finally get a closure which perhaps i didn't. and do something to make up for what i've done.

but what?

sigh. i love you and i don't want to lose you.
i'm so sorry.

the physical pain acts like a reminder.
i don't know how i can 'try to not think about it' without the thought popping in my head every 10minutes or so.

i am feeling empty.
very empty. like i don't even know what my priorities are anymore.
she asked me today if i wanted to do lasik. and i told her - yeah but not now. cos i don't know what my priorities are. as far as i am concerned, it's to find time to get away from everything. be it with him. or alone.

and i am willing to go away alone. if he can't come due to any reason

i hate the fact that i tend to feel bad for everything that goes wrong. even if the bulk of the fault isn't mine. i would see it from their point of view, and maybe i am wrong. maybe it is my fault. maybe they were right, maybe i miscalculated. maybe i was too strict/ too lenient. maybe he didn't mean it. maybe he just wants to have fun; who am i to say he can't have fun. maybe i am taking things too seriously, being too uptight.


there are times when i just feel like shutting off from everything.
but it'd be unfair to those who truly care.
there are times when i just feel like running. even at this state.
i feel like tearing my room apart. and order new furniture.
i feel like painting.

i feel lost sometimes that i lose focus in what i am doing because half the time i think about all that has happened and i don't feel like i have the right to be all cheerful and happy again .

i doubt i'll ever be myself 100%